To Confirm or Not to Confirm

Facebook is weird. Seriously, does anyone not agree with me? That was a double negative, by the way, a little confusing. You go on there and hope for something. I don't know what it is we hope for, but we go on there anyway. Maybe it's the hope that we say something witty enough that 50 people "like" us, or even better, "comment". Then someone requests to be our "friend" and we must "confirm" or "ignore". I can't even remember how I know 90% of the people that "request" my friendship. If we're friends, shouldn't I be able to place them in my life somehow? Now I realize a part of this is my lack of observation skills and inability to remember a majority of my life or the people that crossed my path. For that, I apologize and feel really bad. But anyway, I sit here and deliberate over the click of the "confirm" or "ignore" button. What a snob I am! Ok, so from here on out, I just click "confirm". But you should be warned, I say offensive stuff. I talk before I think. I really only write on facebook after having something to drink. So, don't judge me after you asked to be my friend (see previous "drunkbook" blog entry). I'm going to say what I want to say from here on out and now worry about who sees it and how they might now change their opinion of me. Life is too short, seriously. I am what I am, I say what I say, and the same goes for you. Confirm?

20th Reunion Project

Ok. I've thought of a random project for this year to keep me busy. Next June will be my 20th high school graduation reunion. What if I found every single person from the graduating class and asked them the same 10 questions before the reunion? I don't know why. But somehow it feels like it would be some type of wonderful adventure to try to track down each of these people in and of itself. Then, what would be the most concise, profound, meaningful, possibly humorous and insightful questions to ask each one of them? Then, how do I somehow capture it and summarize it to present in some way at the reunion? Thoughts? What do you want to be asked? Anyone want to help me with this project? We've got ten months and less than 100 people to find and interview. Think we can do it?

• What would you want your high school classmates to know about you now? 
• What part of your youth would you like to get back? 
• How does life now compare to what you imagined in high school?
• Which high school classmate are you the most curious about today and why?
• Which high school classmate impacted you the most and why?
• If you could go back and tell your high school self one thing, what would it be?
• What things do you wish someone had told you or warned you about when you were in high school? 
• What is your best high school memory?
• How do you think your old high school classmates would describe you in high school?
• If you could have kissed anyone in high school, who would it have been?
• If you were asked to be the keynote speaker at a high school graduation today, what would be the take home message you would give to today's graduating seniors?
• Who were you most envious of in high school?
• Who did you most hope would show up at the reunion?
• ???
• Ideas for more questions?

My Favorite Things

Alright. So things have not been great lately. But each day continues to happen. The sun comes up, the alarm clock goes off, and the day must begin. There are things to do. The kids must get up, must have a breakfast, must brush their teeth, bills must get paid, etc. So, we go on. And along the way we think about what going on should look like. Do I want to change everything? What do I really want? What do I dream about? Life is short. I've got to figure this stuff out. So, today, instead of thinking about what I don't like and what's wrong, I figured it would help to focus on what are my favorite things. Because, really, a lot about life is really lucky and good and fortunate. So here it is, off the top of my head, my favorite things:

• I love everything about my kids. I love their creativity, spontaneity, humor, effort, love for others, brains, heart, goodness, compassion, generosity, and so much more.
• I love popcorn.
• I love movies.
• I love happy people.
• I love wine.
• I love good conversation with interesting people.
• I love to talk.
• I love tennis.
• I love watching any athletic competition, in general. I love the inspiration and message that is portrayed in the battle that comes from any good athletic competition.
• I love Wimbledon and will be present at least once in this life.
• I love a comfortable bed.
• I love to drive.
• I love to read.
• I love to swim.
• I love sailing.
• I love my family and the way they make me feel that I'm doing the right things.
• I love to laugh.
• I love the country.
• I love competition. 
• I love friendly banter.
• I love gardens, including: birds, butterflies, plants and flowers.
• I love road trips.
• I love the ocean. I don't love dark, open, cold water.
• I would love to travel and meet interesting people.
• I love adventure.
• I love the smell of honeysuckle the most.
• I love to dance.
• I love good food.
• I love facials and massage

For it, this is done. It's important to focus on what we like and not always what we don't like. 

I'm Sorry. There's Nothing We Can Do About It.

"There's nothing we can do about it." How many times have you heard that? Our kids belong to a swim team. We have day-long meets on weekends. We basically camp out at our local facility (water/rec center). Shades tents are erected everywhere around the pool. Each time we set up tents, we are on lawns that are super saturated with water from over sprinkling. It turns into mud. It gets everyone's feet filthy. Mud splatters end up up our legs. Then, the kids go jump in the pool with filthy legs. Must be great for their filtration system. Each time this occurs, different people give feedback to the facility that they are over-watering and it's hurting their lawn and their pool and maybe they could talk to their facilities manager and try to change the watering system to cut it back to help everyone. Win-win, right? Apparently not. The final decision from the facility is, "So sorry. We can't do anything about it." Really? Because turning off a faucet seems pretty easy to me. Ok, maybe it's more than that. Maybe it's a timer. Still, you really can't do anything about it? And of course, you can't vent on the person sharing the information, it's not their fault, of course, it never is. And of course, they have no power to do anything. I'm tired of standing in front of some nameless representative for any entity who's only job seems to be to tell you they can't do anything about it and they can't get you to someone that can do something about it. It's time to rise up and start turning off faucets every chance we get.

Broken

What does it take to "break" a person? I just finished watching the 2012 Wimbledon Men's Final between Andy Murray and Roger Federer. Andy is British, 25 years old and just played in his first Wimbledon Final. He's never made it past the semi's. He played against Roger Federer who was going for his 7th Wimbledon Final. No one from Britain has won Wimbledon in 72 years! And Andy is the only player even close to the level possible to win it. He's never won a grand slam, and in fact, never made it past the semis. And here he was in his country's grand slam tournament.

He won the first set. I was so excited. I believed he could do it. He could have won the second set. And then he didn't. He could have won the third, but the rain delay and closed roof favored Federer. Then, in the 4th, he lost, and it seemed inevitable.

What does it take to "break" a person? He had to stand up, accept his runner's up trophy (dish) and face the crowd of screaming fans and talk to them. He knows how badly they all want it. He knows he's their only hope. And he has to look at them and talk to them and say something after he failed. And he did. He spoke so beautifully. He broke down in front of them and you could hear them love him more. He told them he was getting closer. He complimented Roger and told him that he deserved it. He thanked his family. Then he broke down and told the fans that he thanked them and that they hadn't added pressure, but that they'd added support.

What does it take to break a person? It depends on the person. I believe there are some people that you can never break. There are some people that believe in themselves and believe in hope and confidence and in always doing their personal best and believe that the best you can do is good enough. Those people can never be broken. I hope I'm one of those people.

Maybe I Like That I'm Not Alright

"Maybe I like that I'm not alright." I saw a friend post that today on Facebook. I would have thought she said it herself if it weren't for the reference to the group Shinedown. Tells you how current I am. I've been up and down lately, and unfortunately, the last couple days have been really difficult. But  strangely her quote made me feel a lot better. I'm not alright. But somehow saying that seems to make people panic. People that know what I'm going through ask how I'm doing all the time. A part of me feels compelled to tell them that I'm ok so that they'll feel better. But it's not the truth. I'm not alright. But I know I will be someday. I think what makes this suffering feel worse is when I try to act normal and act like I'm ok and like I feel good. It feels better to say out loud, "I'm not alright." And it's not that I like being unhappy or hurting, but I like being able to admit the truth. I also think there would be something wrong with me if I was alright given the circumstances. I believe I'll have a new kind of strength after making it through this time in life. Maybe we all need to embrace the times when we are "not alright" a little more. I don't want to linger here longer than needed, but I do intend to pay attention to the lessons I'm learning and the things I'm feeling while I'm here. I know I'll come out the other side stronger, more willing to change and relinquish control, more resilient, more focused on what matters most, less petty, more grateful and definitely know myself better. For that, "maybe I like that I'm not alright". Thank you, my friend, for getting me thinking today in a way I hadn't yet.

Pain and Love

Ok. So it's been a while since I posted. Life is complicated and fast and doesn't run on a schedule. It's upside down right now, literally and completely. It's almost, almost funny. Not in the ha ha way, but in the 'are you kidding me' way. Is ridiculousness a word? It is now. So I stopped posting on this blog because I am afraid. I'm afraid that words that I say here in this free style rant will someday hurt someone I love. I'm afraid that my private, free-flowing thoughts will come back to haunt me. But the truth is, while I write them, I feel really good. It's like talking to someone without actually having to talk and choke down the lump in your throat by forcing out words you don't want to hear out loud. Now, why not write to a diary, you say. Well, there's something much more gratifying about knowing that someone other than me will hear me. So, I haven't written, but now I am writing.

Is it possible to experience too much pain and love at the same time? Two days ago, I had to wake up and face the day knowing that at some point during the day, my husband and I would sit down and tell our children that he was moving out. I didn't want him to. I perceived it as his fault. But I committed to saying that this was a mutual decision and that we were having problems and that we both loved them equally and... I can't remember the rest. I hated him in that moment. Hated him for making me an accomplice to a lie. Hated him for putting me in a position to lie to my children. Hated him for thinking leaving would make it better. Hated him for thinking leaving was the best example to them on how to face life's challenges. But we did it. We sat. We told them. She cried and begged him not to go. Our son asked questions to understand and wanted to be sure we were not just thinking of them, the kids, but of ourselves and each other. And then he left.

The next day, we each connected with our parents and closest friends and relatives to tell them of this change. When he called his mom, he found out his Oma (grandma), and really, the only grandparent he was ever close to, probably only had a week to live. Not a good day. I wanted to be detached from him for a long time. If we were going to be apart, then I wanted to be apart all the way. But, no. We needed to connect and discuss how to handle this. The very next day, this is what happened: His grandmother died in the morning, the refinance fell through and needed to be corrected immediately, my sisters' dog died or at least word of the dog dying reached me (this dog is like a God to my children), the microwave broke and needed replacing and scheduling, the wrecked van (having just been in an accident last week) needed scheduling for maintenance, the van needs new tires before the upcoming trip, our renter decided to move out and needs a checkout walk through whenever he decides to have it and will continue to change that time, etc. Obviously, I'm all messed up right now because there should not be a list. Nothing should be compared to a person dying. But somehow it all adds up to a lot. At some point during this day I had to laugh. I had to laugh at what I perceived as ridiculousness. I huffed and announced to myself that of course I could handle all this. Sometime, probably only minutes later, I cringed and begged for help because I can't handle all of this.

Here's to where it comes to love and pain. I sent out a couple emails to let those closest to me know that we are separated. And the love that has come back is almost embarrassing. But, the truth is, it feels really good. I am feeling something like the whole "reap what you sow" thing or something. Whatever it comes down to, I have friendship and love bursting a the seems and it doesn't seem right compared to my failure and lack of love where it's needed most.

I've never hurt this much and also never felt this loved. It's confusing and complicated and I know I'll figure it out.