Linger

Some things just linger. I'm approaching the first year anniversary of the day my husband told me he was "having an affair". It really came down to him having seen something shiny and just not being in love or even in like with me anymore. It's been a long road since then. 6 months of "trying" (not really) and then him moving out for 5 months (5 really bad months) and then him moving back in a month ago. Regardless of why he left or why he's back or what it means or where we're going, it's still really weird, for lack of a better word, to be entering back into this season one year after such a horrible time.

The day he told me was the day we brought home our Christmas tree last year. He suggested we go get the tree last weekend. I didn't want to, partly because it was just too soon before Christmas and I thought it would be dry by then, but partly because I just don't want to do it. I feel like getting a Christmas tree has been ruined. Christmas is my favorite time of year and it feels tainted. Last year's terrible awfulness lingers and I think of it now more than over the past year as I repeat things I was doing last year at this time.

So I guess all of that is expected and predicable and understandable and cliche but also a little pathetic. I need to get over it. Last Christmas may have been mostly ruined, but letting Christmas be ruined for the rest of my life would be stupid. So I'm choosing to get over it. I know I won't all the way. I know there will be moments when I'm reminded of what happened and that not just the memories, but the feelings will come back as well. But I think it's important that I make a conscious choice to not let it linger to the point that it ruins something so special. I don't know how to say this, but it's like I want to let it linger to have something else to blame on him. Something to point at and say, "look, you ruined this, too." And I know that's pathetic and bitter, but I really think that's what it is. When we let something be ruined by something in the past, it's a conscious choice to ruin it ourselves so we can blame it on something else. I'm sure there are lots of examples where that's not true. But that's what I'm telling myself to kick myself in the butt and not pretend like the Christmas season is ruined forever because of something that happened one time during Christmas. I choose now not to be bitter and hurt forever. I choose to be happy and live fully. When painful reminders come back and I know they will, I will try to acknowledge them and then remember that they don't have to be the present or the future. Sounds good. We'll see how I do.

My religion is Make It Work Figure It Out Get Over It

Last night I was at a friends' product party and a friend of hers was there with her kids. All of our kids were playing in a back bedroom and watching movies back there. One of the friends' daughters came out into the kitchen and said, "Mommy, he won't listen to me." She said, "He doesn't have to. Now go." And the little girl did. It was awesome! Truly refreshing. I wanted to get up and applaud. I have to admit, I was expecting the thing I usually see parents, probably including myself, do, which is, stop the adult conversation, go have a talk with the child, try to comfort, try to go back and see if we can work something out with the other child. But the real truth is, he doesn't have to listen to you, no one does. And the sooner we figure that out, the better. Make it work. Figure it out. Get over it.

I'm finding the same thing in my classroom this year more than I ever have in the past eleven years of teaching. Kids are waiting to be told exactly what to do, including turning the page, putting their name on the paper or turning the paper over to do the work on the back. I've made my content the second priority and working on resiliency, following directions, listening, independence, confidence and perseverance my first priority. I've made it clear to kids I will give directions very clearly one time and make sure that I have everyone's attention. I will give them a chance to ask questions. After that, no repeating directions. I've let them know they'll lose points if they don't follow directions. I've told them I will not do anything for them that they can do for themselves. I've told them I know they can Make It Work, Figure It Out, and Get Over It. I'll be there to help and guide. But they have to do it and they can.

I really think we need a whole lot more of this kind of religion. A lot more of developing people that really believe they can Make It Work, Figure It Out, and Get Over It.