Some things just linger. I'm approaching the first year anniversary of the day my husband told me he was "having an affair". It really came down to him having seen something shiny and just not being in love or even in like with me anymore. It's been a long road since then. 6 months of "trying" (not really) and then him moving out for 5 months (5 really bad months) and then him moving back in a month ago. Regardless of why he left or why he's back or what it means or where we're going, it's still really weird, for lack of a better word, to be entering back into this season one year after such a horrible time.
The day he told me was the day we brought home our Christmas tree last year. He suggested we go get the tree last weekend. I didn't want to, partly because it was just too soon before Christmas and I thought it would be dry by then, but partly because I just don't want to do it. I feel like getting a Christmas tree has been ruined. Christmas is my favorite time of year and it feels tainted. Last year's terrible awfulness lingers and I think of it now more than over the past year as I repeat things I was doing last year at this time.
So I guess all of that is expected and predicable and understandable and cliche but also a little pathetic. I need to get over it. Last Christmas may have been mostly ruined, but letting Christmas be ruined for the rest of my life would be stupid. So I'm choosing to get over it. I know I won't all the way. I know there will be moments when I'm reminded of what happened and that not just the memories, but the feelings will come back as well. But I think it's important that I make a conscious choice to not let it linger to the point that it ruins something so special. I don't know how to say this, but it's like I want to let it linger to have something else to blame on him. Something to point at and say, "look, you ruined this, too." And I know that's pathetic and bitter, but I really think that's what it is. When we let something be ruined by something in the past, it's a conscious choice to ruin it ourselves so we can blame it on something else. I'm sure there are lots of examples where that's not true. But that's what I'm telling myself to kick myself in the butt and not pretend like the Christmas season is ruined forever because of something that happened one time during Christmas. I choose now not to be bitter and hurt forever. I choose to be happy and live fully. When painful reminders come back and I know they will, I will try to acknowledge them and then remember that they don't have to be the present or the future. Sounds good. We'll see how I do.
Well I think it makes sense to not linger. Period. Eats us up inside and wastes energy. Good advice for sure. I will try not to linger as well, unless it's over good wine and conversation with good people.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. I will linger over good music, good wine, good conversation, interesting people, laughter, warmth in the sun, a good book, a good game of tennis, a good game night, a nice fire, a warm bed, a great movie, a good box of popcorn, a good roasted corn or a great baked potato.... got to think about some more for a while.
Delete