Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Rejection

Things have gotten a little easier for me recently. By recently, I mean the last 4 days. Because 6 days ago things were really bad. Like the worst they've ever been between my separated husband and I. Let's just say things sank to a level I'd never imagined they could sink. I sank to a level I never thought possible for me. But anyway, they seem to be better now. I know it's temporary. I know we're not through the woods. I have come to believe I'll never really be through the woods. I mean, once you head down this road, things are never the same. They never can be. We are both changed for the worse forever. But with that in mind, right now, they're decent. And I think I know why. I've changed my mindset. I've been so mad and hurt for so long. And it's because of my expectations. I realize that I've been filled with hope. Hope that he will come home, that he will want to be around me, that he will smile when he sees me, that he will compliment me or not say negative things about me, that he will laugh or smile sometimes, that he will engage when I share something, that he will seem interested in me, that he will ask how I am, that he will say "I love you", that he won't recoil from my touch or that he won't look annoyed with my very presence. I've stopped hoping. I know that's sad, but the truth is, it feels much better. I don't expect anything from him anymore. Whatever happens, happens. And with a change in mindset, it truly hurts less. What hurt the most and was killing me really was a thousand rejections over and over again. Big rejections and small rejections many times every day for a long time. But I've just figured out, you can't be rejected if you don't offer anything. So don't share, don't reach out, don't touch, don't give... all of these things can be rejected. So I'm not. Not with him anyway. It feels better.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Reconciliation: What is That?

When should you give in? When should you say you're sorry? When should you forgive all? Ya see, there are different levels of reconciliation. Let's be honest. If there are no kids: reconciliation is harsh. You don't do it. You get rejected, cheated on, ignored, unappreciated... you call it quits. But when there are kids, you've entered a whole new game. Today in class, I read some cards from the kids. Yesterday, I gave the kids a couple minutes to write something on an index card. I told all students to put their name on it and told them they were all turning it in. I said they could ask me a question they hadn't been able to ask up until now or share something with me they thought I ought to know to help me be a better teacher to them or say nothing at all.

I got many cards with nothing but names on them. I got many cards with, "I feel better about this class, and you seem nice, and I'm excited about science", etc. But I got a few (4/108) that scare me, make me sad, make me want to adopt kids and take them home tomorrow. I got a card A with., "I'm sensitive about my height, I'm sensitive about my race, I'm sensitive about my family". I got card B with, "I'm weird. Nobody likes me. I don't like me. No one wants to be around me. I am struggling in school. Everything is hard." I got card C with, "My dad left my house two days ago and I'm having a hard time focusing on homework and classwork." I got card D with, "I have some problems at home. My dad is in jail. I feel insecure. I have a weak bladder. I feel depressed sometimes. I hurt myself sometimes, but not recently." Rest at ease, each of these students have interventions going on the minute I saw their cards.

But for me, personally, the idea is, what is reconciliation? The moment you get a hint of an apology or any hint of an appreciation of the past or what matters, do you forgive it all and give it a shot? Here's what I think: if you have kids, you give it a shot forever. Unless there's some unforgivable line, you give it a shot forever. If there's ever a chance that kids can have their parents together in a friendly way, I think it should happen. So, some of you may know that I seem to be swallowing a whole lot of craziness when I shouldn't be anymore. I'm not a martyr, but believe me when I say I think it's far better for the kids to have two parents together, even when they aren't two great parent. I think the alternative is yuckier (up to a point, I know).

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Oscar Watch #1: Argo

I saw Argo today. It is SO good. I don't know enough to know how historically accurate it is. And maybe that's better. I use to be a big fan of gotta read the book before seeing the movie. But now, not so much. If the book is really good, the movie can only disappoint. Even if the movie is also really good, it can never be as good as the book. Or maybe it's as good, but because of the format, it has to tell the story differently and leave parts out and that's frustrating, too. Twilight, Hunger Games, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, the whole Bourne series, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, The Help (though that was close to being as good), and on and on. You read the book. You see the movie. You are disappointed.

So anyway, back to Argo. I acknowledge that the people involved in the real story may not think it was a good movie at all. I'm sure it would be hard to be absolutely factually accurate and be entertaining and fit it into two hours (although it was by no means "Unstoppable" where you have to suspend disbelief the entire time and know that it is definitely very loosely based on a true story). But given all that, it was so good. There was humor and tension in perfect amounts. Nothing was overdone. Ben Affleck is fantastic. It feels real. It feels the way life really is: unglamorous, straightforward, scary, risky, messy, funny, caring, complicated. This one will be in the running for an Oscar. Go see it.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Cause I Need Freedom Now

 Mumford and Sons' "The Cave" came on the radio in the car today. I've heard it before but never really heard it. Ya know? Sometimes words only mean something when you've been in the same place as whomever is saying them. And if you haven't, you don't understand. It's like when non-parents try to talk to parents about parenting. They can't. They don't know. I felt this song to my core. So even though it's poetic and open to interpretation, I understand enough to know I feel what the author was feeling when they wrote this. http://www.jango.com/music/Mumford+Sons?l=0

The Cave Lyrics

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's land

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be


And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Friday, October 12, 2012

Where's the Line?

Apparently there is none.

Red wine, Pandora, Flash smart phones and sexual exploration in adolescence

So tonight I hung out with an old friend. Old friend like i think we had the same babysitter in kindergarten. We're 37 now. We agreed on our dislikes and likes on Pandora, or at least I paid attention enough to the opportunity to click on the "like" and the "dislike" with songs I liked. Ok, there's a song I like now... Jason Mraz.. "The Remedy". Sing it. You're too fast for me Jason Mraz, but I believe you have my best interests in my mind, so I keep listening to you. Every song. It's even gotten me into a little bit of trouble, but that's another story.

A friend came over. We drank my red wine the whole time. And who knows what I picked and why. It might have been because a cute guy at Trader Jo's suggested it, or because a wine club suggested it, or my most pretentious friends said I should like it. But in the end, we had a good night. We clicked "like" on the songs I actually liked on Pandora. We drank a lot of red wine of some sort. We tried to figure out our new phones and that they can only take flash pictures from one side. And we figured out that our children might actually be entering the age of sexual exploration and that we might need to get over it (gasp), and figure out how to help them through it.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I Love Awards Shows

I do. I love awards shows. It took a long time to admit it. I use to be the kind of person that would only admit to reading things like Scientific American and National Geographic. Then someone gave me a year-long subscription to People Magazine. I won't lie. I love it. I get my People renewed each year and I have no shame. None. And, not that I need to defend myself, I don't, but I don't watch cable tv, so I have no idea what's going on in popular culture. And I am a middle school teacher, so really, it's research. I mean if I'm not up on what's popular, they'll eat me alive. And really, I'm barely holding my own.

So anyway, I love People magazine which says something, not sure what. In addition to that, I LOVE movies. I mean I really love them. Ever since high school I've been the one that wanted to go to movies alone. I mean I'd like to go with someone, but if no one wants to go, I'm going anyway. I still get excited walking into a movie and waiting for it to start. I could go to a movie everyday if there were more hours in the day. And it's turned into a bit of a fixation. I now have to watch every movie that's nominated for best movie for an Academy Award. Now that there are ten movies nominated per year, that's a lot of movies. And I try to watch every best actor and best actress movie as well. Then, I always pretend that I'm going to have a fancy Oscars' party and invite friends over and roll out the red carpet... err.. butcher paper, but let's face it, they'll talk through the speeches and ruin it so I watch it alone drinking my homemade lemon drop martinis (with lemons from my lemon drop martini tree) in my jammies, quite happily, I might add.

Now the Oscars is the finale. I like the other ones, too. But people can talk during those. I won't get mad. They're the warm ups. I love the speeches. I love the clothes. I love the hosts, sometimes. Hugh Jackman was still my favorite Oscars host. You gotta sing and dance and be happy and not make people feel bad. I guess that's kind of how I feel about life, too. You gotta sing and dance and be happy and not make people feel bad.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Wine is Lovely

You can see why it's been around a long time. I keep trying to figure out why I should not like wine, but I can't. I like it. I like the ancient history of it. I like the snobbery of it. I like the warmth of it. I like how whenever we spend time trying to find it, it always ends up with a good story, a good time, new and interesting people and places we found.

There is a story about finding wine in Levenworth, Washington, on someone's wedding day with the bride and groom that took us to a corner of a vintner's yard under a trellis of wine grapes on a sunny afternoon in the corner of a vineyard with a wicker basket of wine glasses and a hand shake promise to pay for the 6 bottles of wine I just verbally and physically bought with no check book or credit card or ID, but a committment to return tomorrow with my checkbook and driver's license. That's why wine is nice.

There are stories of wine tasting with new friends, only to end with purple lips at the end of the evening and a general feeling of warmth and happiness and friendship.

There are stories of being exposed to expensive wine and sometimes thinking that wine is just silly and who would pay so much for something that would move through the human body so fast just to be eliminated and then sometimes thinking that I would pay anything to drink that wonderful elixir again because it meant feeling that way again. There were moments when I finally understood the value in wine, the expense. It's not just some beverage that quenches a thirst. It's sustenance to satisfy the soul. It's almost a friend. Sometimes it's better than a friend. And I know that makes me sound like an alcoholic. Maybe I am. So be it.

Wine is lovely. It's history. It's culture. It's sustenance. It's romance. It's tradition, memory, experience, luxury, friendship, comfort, strength and so much more. I love it. I will always love it. I would like to spend the rest of my life enjoying it in the company of good food and interesting conversation with people I love.


Tuesday, October 2, 2012

I Knew You Were Drunk When...

So many stories could start this way. My favorite perspective on drunk stories is my own though. I think it's hysterical, in hindsight, when I realize I was super worried about being a fool and a drunk in front of people and working so hard to maintain my respectability and dignity when I realize none of the people I was with would ever have noticed anything since they were on pace with me and probably equally worried about themselves!

So, I knew you were drunk when:

  1. You decided to leave a message for the boys in their gravel driveway on a 100 degree day with your bare hand. You felt nothing, but yes, there were blisters the next day.
  2. You challenged the guys to shots.
  3. You wanted to never ever leave or stop dancing.
  4. You wanted to "relax" on the couch with your eyes closed and refused to let me hold your glass of wine.
  5. You went to sleep in the hot tub and were ok with it.
  6. You went to sleep with me on "The Zipper" at the county fair in high school.
  7. You kissed me.
  8. You let me kiss you.
  9. You pulled down the shower curtain when trying to find the door or bathroom light switch.
  10. You ate pasta like you were going on Hunger Games tomorrow.
Ok. I could dig and come up with many more. But sadly, or not, I realize all I'm coming up with are "I knew I was drunk when" memories. Looking back, I think I've been the ridiculously entertaining drunk friend. I won't even start to share my "I knew I was drunk when" stories because, well, that's just embarrassing. So, what are your best, "I knew you" or "I knew I was drunk when" stories? It should be a bathroom book.