Rejection

Things have gotten a little easier for me recently. By recently, I mean the last 4 days. Because 6 days ago things were really bad. Like the worst they've ever been between my separated husband and I. Let's just say things sank to a level I'd never imagined they could sink. I sank to a level I never thought possible for me. But anyway, they seem to be better now. I know it's temporary. I know we're not through the woods. I have come to believe I'll never really be through the woods. I mean, once you head down this road, things are never the same. They never can be. We are both changed for the worse forever. But with that in mind, right now, they're decent. And I think I know why. I've changed my mindset. I've been so mad and hurt for so long. And it's because of my expectations. I realize that I've been filled with hope. Hope that he will come home, that he will want to be around me, that he will smile when he sees me, that he will compliment me or not say negative things about me, that he will laugh or smile sometimes, that he will engage when I share something, that he will seem interested in me, that he will ask how I am, that he will say "I love you", that he won't recoil from my touch or that he won't look annoyed with my very presence. I've stopped hoping. I know that's sad, but the truth is, it feels much better. I don't expect anything from him anymore. Whatever happens, happens. And with a change in mindset, it truly hurts less. What hurt the most and was killing me really was a thousand rejections over and over again. Big rejections and small rejections many times every day for a long time. But I've just figured out, you can't be rejected if you don't offer anything. So don't share, don't reach out, don't touch, don't give... all of these things can be rejected. So I'm not. Not with him anyway. It feels better.